Not in it – Still Around

What actually happened

The other day, a friend said something offhand:
“Hey, XY started a new WhatsApp group – a guys-only thing. Everyone’s in it. They call it something like ‘Testosterone Squad’ or whatever.”

I didn’t know what to say. Not angry. Just… blank.
Was that an invitation? A hint? Or just information?
Whatever it was, it left me speechless. Not hurt. Just kind of suspended in that odd moment where you realize: you weren’t part of the plan.

The bigger story

I’m self-employed. My days are full. Intense. Focused. I’m often elsewhere – in my head, in projects, in deadlines. I don’t show up to every get-together. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. Or that I’m not still part of something. At least, I thought so.

Most guys my age are building something: families, careers, houses, identities. Others are drifting, reinventing, figuring it out.
I’m somewhere in the middle – busy, committed, sometimes invisible.

Three thoughts that stuck

1. Not being mentioned says more than you expect
   It’s rarely intentional. But when you're left out of the room – or the group chat – you notice. Not because you need to be the center. Just because belonging is quieter than we think.
2. Men rarely talk about these moments – but they remember them
   We laugh things off. Shrug them away. But small exclusions can echo for a long time. Especially when you're already running solo.
3. Belonging isn’t automatic
   It’s a practice. A rhythm. It needs checking in. And sometimes, it needs one of us to say: “Hey – you still matter. Just in case no one’s said it lately.”

What I’m learning (slowly)

I’m not mad at anyone. Not disappointed, either.
I just realized that presence doesn’t guarantee connection. And absence doesn’t mean disinterest.

I’m trying to stay open. Reach out when I can. Not retreat when it stings a little.
Because if I want to feel included, I also need to practice including others – even when life is loud.

Three small actions that help

• Think before you say “everyone’s in” – maybe someone isn’t.
• Invite someone who’s been less visible lately.
• If you miss someone, just say so – without needing a reason.

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